5 years

Today, five years ago, life changed forever. Not just my life, but the lives of a family I've never met. I don't know anything about them, if their saved or not, but I pray for them often. As stupid as it may sound, every year, for about the week prior to the 11 always wonder what Mr. Garcia was doing and how he spent that last week. Every year today, I wonder what happened that morning before he got in the car. And even beyond that, right up until 8:30, I actually wish I could somehow tell myself "don't go that way! Take your normal route. Leave just 2 minutes earlier." I guess all these years later I'm still trying to find the balance between sorrow and grief for his family and thw self inflicted punishment I feel I need to go through. I know people tell me "it's not your fault, it was an accident." But the truth of the matter is, how do you just get over the fact that someone is dead because of an accident you caused? I still feel at times that I don't deserve certain things or deserve to feel certain ways. I'm alive and he is dead. The Lord of all, who gives and takes away, showed me His sovereignty in that. These are my thoughts; As wrong as some of them may be.

Going through the desert

Right now I feel like God is taking me through the desert, asking me to have faith in His word and trust in His heart. As much as I would love to say that I am passing this test, I don't feel that I am. God has never once given me reason to not trust Him. People have failed me time and time again, causing me to always expect that from the next person, and also putting forth this attitude on God. It's so wrong and it wasn't until this past week that God really started digging up the weeds which have taken root in my heart. How can you trust someone when you've been expecting them to hurt you from the start? Where does it get you when your low expectations have been met? One step lower into the hole you've dug around yourself. My problem is that I've been doing this for the last eleven years. My hole at this point has become a grave and I know the only way out is for Christ to finally kill my old man and resurrect the new man. God wants to do so much in my life, but He wants me to trust Him, even when I must cry! The desert I'm walking through right has felt very dry and that I'm getting no growth. But I see now that God is really digging up the past I've tried so hard to bury. The problem with burying our past, be it hurts, failures, mistakes, is that their still there and we will never be free until God is the one to do the work! I heard the analogy once, likening our hearts to a garden. We are just the tools, a rake can't pick itself up, the Gardener must be the one to do the work. I am encouraged to know that there is SOMETHING being done in me through this time. As a new years resolution I am giving my garden to the Gardner and trusting He knows best what seeds go where and when to plant them, and that He also knows which weeds to pull even if I think they look like flowers.

I didn't really know what I was going to wrote when I started this, I just felt like I needed to write. I think it was more for me that God wanted this written out so He could show ME what He's doing! Thank you Father for not leaving me to become even more hopelessly entangled in the weeds I've allowed to take root in my heart. Come and restore my heart to one that trusts and expects good rather then bad!

Hebrews 11:1 & 6

This song has been a blessing to me this past week..."Do I Trust You Lord by Twila Paris

Sometimes my little heart can't understand
What's in Your will what's in Your plan
So many times I'm tempted to ask You why
But I can never forget it for long
Lord what You do could not be wrong
So I believe You even when I must cry

Chorus:
Do I trust You Lord does the robin sing
Do I trust You Lord does it rain in Spring
You can see my heart You can read my mind
And You've got to know I would rather die
Than to lose my faith in the One I love
Do I trust You Lord

I know the answers I've given them all
But suddenly now I feel so small
Shaken down to the cavity in my soul
I know the doctrine and theology
But right now they don't mean much to me
This time there's only one thing I've got to know

Chorus 2:
Do I trust You Lord does the river flow
Do I trust You Lord does the North wind blow
You can see my heart You can read my mind
And You've got to know I would rather die
Than to lose my faith in the One I love
Do I trust You Lord

Chorus 3:
I will trust You Lord when I don't know why
I will trust You Lord 'til the day I die
I will trust You Lord when I'm blind with pain
You were God before and You'll never change
Do I trust You, do I trust You, do I trust You
I will trust You, I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord

Surrender and Freedom

Freedom has always come at a cost! You have to fight for freedom, and it has certainly never come by surrendering! History shows us that time after time. I recently watched Braveheart with a friend, and Scotland did not win their freedom by surrendering to England. It took many sacrificed lives to win that freedom.

Today God showed just how much freedom I have in surrendering to Him though. He has been burdening me for the last two weeks for sure, to stop fighting Him and to surrender my will to Him. I wouldn’t do it! It’s not that I didn’t really want to surrender to Him; it’s that I didn’t really want what surrendering might bring. I know God has been preparing me for years for the plan He has for my life. Although it wasn’t until Thursday, Sept 30,  that God finally broke me and brought me to a place where I literally came to tears and said “I give up, I give up! Lord I can’t fight anymore; it’s easier to surrender to You than keep fighting against You.” Instantaneously the burden I had been feeling was lifted off of me and I could physically feel its weight removed.

There is still a fear I feel, though I think it may be my own flesh not wanting to relinquish control. But I know now that I am right with God and I have been brought to a place where He can truly work in my life to accomplish what He has begun. 

Steps of Faith

On September 4 I moved to Chicago from Flagstaff, AZ. I visited Chicago in July for my good friend Charisse's wedding and during the week I was there God started laying it on my heart to move. I went home and continued to pray about it while pursuing job opportunities. Nothing opened up. I was honestly beyond confused and couldn't understand why nothing was working out if God was truly calling me there. I was on the verge of giving up when a transfer I had applied for within my company suddenly opened up (2 months after I had applied). I told her that I would think about it and get back to her as it wasn't for sure that I would be moving yet. I was really praying that if God wanted me to take the position He would open up a place for me to stay as well. Well again it was kind of a waiting game, I knew that if I wanted the position it was mine. The only thing holding me back was not having a roof over my head to go to. For those of you who know the things my family has been through, you know that we've lived in our cars for about 2 months. This wasn't exactly something I wanted to repeat. One night while I was sitting and listening to K-Love I came out of my own thoughts and arguing with God to hear the words "Well I will walk by faith, even when I can not see. Well because this broken road, prepares Your will for me" being sung and I knew God was calling me to take that step of faith even though I couldn't see the big picture. I still didn't have a place to go to, but I knew God wanted me to take the job. I called Phil, my boss in AZ, to tell him that I was putting in my two weeks notice, and then called Alyssa to tell her that I would take the job. It wasn't until a few days later that I was told by Charisse that a couple, John and Renee, had said I could stay with them until I got on my feet. God blew me away with His timing. He wasn't going to provide a place until I needed it. If I had chosen to not take that step of faith and prepare to leave, I wouldn't have needed a place. God showed me through that, that He won't always give us what we need until we've taken the steps towards it. 


I've been in Chicago one month today now and God is continuing to grow, stretch and break me. Some lessons are great and I love the things He shows me. Others are harder to swallow and bit more difficult accepting. God has blessed me beyond belief with friends and newly acquired family out here. He has placed people in my life here that won't let me stay in my comfort zone with Christ, but continually push me towards Him and tell me the truth no matter what; even in situations most everybody would stay silent in. For this I am truly thankful. It has taught me to be a little more bold in truth and be open to truth when I may not want to be. For anyone that knows me, you know I LOVE to be right. God is really breaking me in that as well. I think I've said "you're right" more in the last month then I ever have. He has shown me the freedom in surrendering my will to His and that has been a very tiring and long lesson. I'll write more about that later though. 


The job that God brought me to was another photographer job. Instead of taking photos on a train though, I was taking photos of the fans at the Cubs and White Sox games. This was incredibly eye opening and extremely difficult at times. Not so much in the photo taking as it was in the social interacting. I've never been much of a girl who likes being around drunk people and all of the sudden I was thrown into it head first. I had things said to me that made my mouth drop, I was invited to a hotel room, I felt like a piece of meat. I can honestly say thank you Lord that the season is over. Through all those experiences though God was reminding me to do my job unto Him and to be a light in those dark places. The verses that really kept coming back to me was "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in EVERYTHING give thanks." So that's what I tried to do. I would pray for strength before leaving my car and make a conscious effort to praise God while working. It didn't always happen but God reminded me most of the time. The season ended yesterday and just today I was given the opportunity to go to Cincinnati for the playoffs. Most people would think that's awesome and not give it another thought before agreeing to go. I've been torn up about it though, not knowing whether it was something the Lord wanted me to do. I've heard people say "walk through a door until it closes" and I've heard others say "just because a door opens doesn't mean God wants us to walk through." Both of these are great which has caused some worry on my end. I was reading my bible a little while ago really hoping for an answer, since I need to let my boss know by Wednesday if I'm going. We would be leaving this Saturday and coming back Tuesday from what I understand. Well as I was reading I got a call back from an application I turned in today wanting to schedule an interview for Wednesday. So I guess at this point its still all up in the air.