5 years

Today, five years ago, life changed forever. Not just my life, but the lives of a family I've never met. I don't know anything about them, if their saved or not, but I pray for them often. As stupid as it may sound, every year, for about the week prior to the 11 always wonder what Mr. Garcia was doing and how he spent that last week. Every year today, I wonder what happened that morning before he got in the car. And even beyond that, right up until 8:30, I actually wish I could somehow tell myself "don't go that way! Take your normal route. Leave just 2 minutes earlier." I guess all these years later I'm still trying to find the balance between sorrow and grief for his family and thw self inflicted punishment I feel I need to go through. I know people tell me "it's not your fault, it was an accident." But the truth of the matter is, how do you just get over the fact that someone is dead because of an accident you caused? I still feel at times that I don't deserve certain things or deserve to feel certain ways. I'm alive and he is dead. The Lord of all, who gives and takes away, showed me His sovereignty in that. These are my thoughts; As wrong as some of them may be.

Going through the desert

Right now I feel like God is taking me through the desert, asking me to have faith in His word and trust in His heart. As much as I would love to say that I am passing this test, I don't feel that I am. God has never once given me reason to not trust Him. People have failed me time and time again, causing me to always expect that from the next person, and also putting forth this attitude on God. It's so wrong and it wasn't until this past week that God really started digging up the weeds which have taken root in my heart. How can you trust someone when you've been expecting them to hurt you from the start? Where does it get you when your low expectations have been met? One step lower into the hole you've dug around yourself. My problem is that I've been doing this for the last eleven years. My hole at this point has become a grave and I know the only way out is for Christ to finally kill my old man and resurrect the new man. God wants to do so much in my life, but He wants me to trust Him, even when I must cry! The desert I'm walking through right has felt very dry and that I'm getting no growth. But I see now that God is really digging up the past I've tried so hard to bury. The problem with burying our past, be it hurts, failures, mistakes, is that their still there and we will never be free until God is the one to do the work! I heard the analogy once, likening our hearts to a garden. We are just the tools, a rake can't pick itself up, the Gardener must be the one to do the work. I am encouraged to know that there is SOMETHING being done in me through this time. As a new years resolution I am giving my garden to the Gardner and trusting He knows best what seeds go where and when to plant them, and that He also knows which weeds to pull even if I think they look like flowers.

I didn't really know what I was going to wrote when I started this, I just felt like I needed to write. I think it was more for me that God wanted this written out so He could show ME what He's doing! Thank you Father for not leaving me to become even more hopelessly entangled in the weeds I've allowed to take root in my heart. Come and restore my heart to one that trusts and expects good rather then bad!

Hebrews 11:1 & 6

This song has been a blessing to me this past week..."Do I Trust You Lord by Twila Paris

Sometimes my little heart can't understand
What's in Your will what's in Your plan
So many times I'm tempted to ask You why
But I can never forget it for long
Lord what You do could not be wrong
So I believe You even when I must cry

Chorus:
Do I trust You Lord does the robin sing
Do I trust You Lord does it rain in Spring
You can see my heart You can read my mind
And You've got to know I would rather die
Than to lose my faith in the One I love
Do I trust You Lord

I know the answers I've given them all
But suddenly now I feel so small
Shaken down to the cavity in my soul
I know the doctrine and theology
But right now they don't mean much to me
This time there's only one thing I've got to know

Chorus 2:
Do I trust You Lord does the river flow
Do I trust You Lord does the North wind blow
You can see my heart You can read my mind
And You've got to know I would rather die
Than to lose my faith in the One I love
Do I trust You Lord

Chorus 3:
I will trust You Lord when I don't know why
I will trust You Lord 'til the day I die
I will trust You Lord when I'm blind with pain
You were God before and You'll never change
Do I trust You, do I trust You, do I trust You
I will trust You, I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord